Tuscany

Short hot summer night. That very moment when I so often end up sleepless. I realize that the darkness will soon give way to the light - shy and unsure. It's very hard to catch that moment when the dawn breaks through. I wait, patiently. She's asleep. I know for sure when she's asleep. Sometimes she's in bed next to me, quiet and motionless, eyes closed, but I feel she's not asleep. Now she is. No doubt about that. I can nearly distinguish her face in the darkness. If you look at one particular thing for a long time in the darkness, eventually you'll be able to distinguish it. That's what I’m doing. The sky is at one with me on this: slowly but steadily the sun's rising behind the horizon. It hasn't appeared yet, it's far-far away, somewhere in the east, but I unmistakably realize it's on the way to show up. I’m still looking at her sleeping face. Quiet, motionless, almost serene. Now, minute after minute I see it clearer and clearer. She frowns and winces occasionally. She sniffled a couple of times. And now she's sighed deeply. She's completely unprotected. What's she dreaming about? She's not smiling today. Does she somehow know I’m looking at her? Has anyone looked at me while I was asleep? Possibly. No one's ever told me, though. I often look at people sleep. I looked at my sister when we were kids and traveled and they put us to bed in the same room. I watched my husband sleep when we'd just gotten married and I adored watching my baby daughter sleeping in her crib. I sometimes used to watch my lovers when they stayed for the night.  But more than anyone else I love watching her sleep. Waves of tenderness mingled with inexplicable bitterness overwhelm me. She's so unprotected now. So little, so fragile. Now I can distinguish freckles on her nose. And if I look closer I can see tiny dark hairs above her upper lip. I feel like cuddling next to her, but she'll wake up then. And I still want to see her asleep.  She's closer this way. She's more mine than ever. When she wakes up she'll invariably become the girl who is so hard to get, to guess, to catch, to comprehend. And now it's all so simple. I wish it always was as simple as this. But it's just another pre-dawn illusion of mine.