October as a diagnosis

French songs are playing again on my iTunes. Still can't help listening to the soundtracks from the films that have struck me recently. October... everything is strange this autumn. My mood changes more often than ever before. What is October to me? October is the second working month after a long summer doingnothingness. October is heaps of fallen leaves all around the city. October is the smell of burnt leaves. I hate it, but on the other hand, nothing can be more precise in describing what this creepy month of October is. It's unusually warm this year, at least so far. Warm and dry, which is such a surprise! At times I'm even anxious about it. What's in store for us after this soothing warmth? I feel like commenting on every single song that's playing now: "Lili, take another walk out of your fake world". "Je vais bien, ne t'en fais pas". Do French films strike you as hard as they strike me? Should I move to France? It seems like my "corner of the Earth" for the time being. Do you know the feeling? When everything just falls into place. I'm too tired of shallow people around me at the moment. I don't mean to say they are so bad, they are just too different from me. So different I can't stand it sometimes. The balance is wrong. I need more soulmates around. I want more complicated people in my life. I hate those "conventional idiots" that time and again poison my life. But, on the contrary, there exists something in my life no one of them has ever dreamed of. No one of them has ever been able to make it up in their traditional minds. Nabokov once said: "A genius is an African who dreams up snow"! That's what it's all about. Being able of dreaming up things you've never ever seen/felt/touched. October is hard. I always feel like going far-far away in October. Do you? I bet I'm not the only one. You know what my idea of paradise is? It's waking up at midday in a house by the seaside. It's dedicating the bigger part of the day to writing. It's dinner out at some nice place with a nice person, with a soulmate. It's a pleasant conversation. It's listening to people's life stories. It's going to bed at the small hours, lulled by reading a book. I'm so scared I might not have time to do this and many other important things I'm planning on doing. Nope, I'm not scared of getting older, but I'm just freaked out I might miss on something beautiful. Gosh, it's October, right? I'm too weird tonight. But it's a good night anyway, 'cause there's a slight hint that you might be the best paint life ever made for me..